My thoughts on Pregnancy...

William took this picture of me...so it's not the greatest, but here I am at 37 weeks!

The first few moments after finding out I was pregnant with my third child were filled with joy.  I love babies and I was ecstatic that we were going to be adding another child to our family; another little person to love and another little person who would love me, their mother.  Those first few joyous minutes were soon filled with dread and perhaps a little fear.  My mind screamed at me, “You will not make it this time.  You cannot do this again while caring for your other two little boys. You will not make it.”  As hard as I try to dissipate my subconscious, I can’t help but believe the little voice.  Can I do it again? 

Morning sickness is an interesting name.  Whoever came up with that name must have been one of the lucky ones because a more appropriate name would have been “All day and night, never ending, and relentless pregnancy sickness!”  Of course my husband thinks that it is actually “mourning” sickness because the husband is mourning the loss of his once joyous, fun, energetic wife to the plague of pregnancy.  Either way, for me, it is endless.   The best way I can describe the sickness at the beginning of pregnancy (which for me lasts until about 20 weeks) is to tell about a typical day.  

            My husband is gently shaking me and telling me that the kids are hungry and he is headed to work.  It is seven in the morning.  Before I even open my eyes my head begins to swim.  It feels as if I have just gotten off the Tidal Wave at Lagoon.  My husband leans in to kiss me goodbye and even though he has just brushed his teeth, the smell is so strong I have to resist the urge to shove him across the room and scream at him to get away.  I give a little smile and he leaves.  Phew, I passed the first test of the day without losing all control.   We make it through breakfast.  Already the thought of “I feel sick” has gone through my head at least 100 times.  I instantly regret the decision to eat cheerios for breakfast.  The aftertaste is strong enough to kill.  I probably will not eat cheerios again for a couple of years.  The rest of the day is a blur of survival.  Since even getting off the couch is difficult, my patience is low and my kids have to deal with an unhappy mama.  I try to deal with my headache, my nausea, my cramping, my mouth that tastes like death, my mind that keeps telling me I can’t do it, and my children while not letting the house appear as if a bomb went off. By the time dinner comes, I don’t think I can do it anymore.   I whip up all the courage I have and prepare a simple chicken dinner.  By the time dinner is ready, it smells and looks disgusting.  I can’t eat it.  Toast and peaches for me.  I regret eating peaches.  Too strong of an aftertaste!  My husband asks me if I want to come with him to the park and get some fresh air while the kids play.  I run to the bathroom and cry my eyes out.  Going to the park is more than I can handle.   As I sit on the edge of the tub sobbing, thinking there is no possible end to this agony and knowing my husband is in the other room asking himself what he could have possibly said wrong, the spirit whispers to me the words of a familiar hymn.  “Sacrifice brings forth [a] blessing from heaven.”  Pregnancy is a big sacrifice.  You have to be willing to give up your body, your wellbeing, and your comfort in order to bring a sweet little blessing to this world.  I give a prayer of thanks and wash my tears away and head to the park.  I feel sick the rest of the evening and even lay in bed awake for a couple of hours, simply too sick to fall asleep, but I can do it.  I will do it.  Heavenly Father has blessed me with this baby, with both my other children, and even though it takes all the courage, all the faith, all the patience, and everything I have, I will do it.  

            There is a moment right after you have a baby that is beyond description.  The long nine months is finally over.  The rigors of birth are finally over and you are staring straight into the eyes of a miracle.  The veil is so thin at that moment and you know, you just know, your sacrifice has been worth it and that Heavenly Father is pleased with your effort.  I am grateful to be a mother.  I am grateful to have been able to be pregnant and participate in the creation of life. I know that sacrifices do bring forth blessings from Heaven and because of that, I can do it and I will do it!